I arrive at work late – you are there,
Make a tiny mistake – you are there,
I feel pity, self-hate – you are there,
I need you to be sorry, but you’ll never care.
You are there for the bad, and ignoring the good,
I feel all of my failures as nobody should;
Every disappointment means the crushing of dreams,
By your shadow that follows, forever it seems.
You follow in darkness, every day, every place,
Awaiting a falter, a wry smirk on your face,
Your greed feeds upon weakness, and convinces me,
That despite all my effort, all dreams cannot be.
I see your insults of old still look to be truth,
And you’re there constant and patient, waiting for proof. .
When it comes then is the time that you claim your prize,
My genuine, physical, crushing hurt inside.
These are echoes of the past, the pain and the shame,
But if they’re all imagined, why are they the same?
Crushing the same as the weight of you on my chest,
The alien feeling of sore, sullied flesh.
“Me and my shadow” – a careless joke that Mum made,
Didn’t know that I clung because I was afraid.
And now here as an adult, I don’t want to cling,
But how do I escape you to stop this feeling?
You wanted to ashame – I was there,
To cause weakness and pain – I was there,
You needed me to blame – I was there,
And someone to know that you’d hurt the same –
You didn’t see me,
But please believe me,
I was there.