February 11, 2003
"I’m hurting…" by Mandy

I’m hurting…
Not for the me in the ‘here and now’…
But for that beautiful, innocent little girl who was used and abused…
Used to satisfy the lust of a dirty old man with a very sick mind…
Abused, and no-one heard her silent cries for help…

I’m angry…
Angry at the world for being such a horrible, dangerous place in which to live…
Angry at my so-called mother for not protecting me…
Angry because I don’t believe there’s any such thing as justice in this country…


But most of all I’m Angry at him…
For all the heartache that he caused…
The never-ending heartache…
And the pain that never goes away…
The lost opportunities…
The shattered dreams…
The good times that should’ve been but never were…
The broken family…
The unshed tears…
……………………..
Is there really no end to the pain that he’s caused?…
……………………..

I’m scared…
Knowing that I have to deal with this pain when it hurts so much…
Scared of what the future holds…
Hoping beyond hope that I can get through this ok…
But no longer truly believing that I can…

Posted by Colm at February 11, 2003 10:00 AM
Comments

Hello Colm/Mandy? Your poem is beautiful and I can identify with it completely. This is my first time to connect with other Survivors in Ireland since my return here l8months ago. At last I can chat to people who speak the same language and understand what it's like to be a Survivor of sexual abuse.

Thanks.

Posted by: Talulla on February 20, 2003 02:21 PM

hi there ,yes it's a lovely poem.l can identify totally,l think we all can.thanks for the connection.l feel l'm not the only one ther's support there.

Posted by: SURVIVOR on February 25, 2003 09:06 PM

Hi Mandy ,sometimes it seems like such a bad dream but we know that its not.We had to live through it day after day year after year.We had such courage as children to survive.I believe in my head that as adults we have that same courage but sometimes its so deep in our soul that we cant get in touch with it,but it is there and the more we talk and share with each other,the more we get in touch with that gutsy part of us that were determined that those bas..... were not going to win.Nobody heard our screams.Inside I screamed so loud that my throat was sore and my head was pounding,I couldnt understand why nobody answered my screams,it took me years to realise there was no sound,and then I stopped screaming,at least I didnt have a sore throat or a headache along with the rest of my body being on fire with pain.As a adult I know I am not on my own anymore,there is always somebody prepared to listen and go into the deepest parts of your pain with you.We did it as children,we can do it as adults.It justs hurts so much,it will never go away,but the more we talk the less power these memories have over us,or so Im told anyway,and very slowly I can see that happening for me.I am determined that those bas..... who fu.... with my body are not going to win.They took my childhood and I am going to fight my way through my recovery ,so they cant take the rest of my life.I am stronger than any of those bas..... We can do this Mandy.

Posted by: Samantha /Lor on February 26, 2003 09:48 PM

Hello my name is Heather Stienbarger and i know exactly what you are feeling. my uncle has sexually abused me. it was the worst thing i or anyone could ever go through. i thought i was never going to escape the humiliation. my parents still to this day want to hurt him the way he hurt me, but i tell them to just leave it alone. he now lives in Arizona and i just want to go out there and confront him but i can't because my parents wont let me. this happened about one year ago, i am now fourteen and slowly getting back on my feet. i feel like it is my fault and feel disgusted with my body. i feel if i can't except my body no one will. my parents said this is normal. if you ever want to talk about what happened e-mail me, my e-mail is luckyprincess_[email protected]!!!!!

thank you,
Heather Stienbarger

Posted by: Heather Stienbarger on May 11, 2003 10:42 PM
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