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Living Without Trust

It was abuse that killed my trust.
Coldly murdered to feed another's lust.
Trust, just five letters, easy to spell,
But living without it, is a living hell.
My mind knows the steps I must take,
But my tongue is paralyzed while I shake.
I inflate my ego with a thundering roar.
Yet to my disgrace, I quiver at the core.

There's an image I can't bear to see
It's the reflection of what's really me.
Outwardly, I'm in complete control;
Hiding the chaos in my soul.
Keeping it invisible, never known,
What's inside can never be shown
It's the scared scarred little me;
The trustless child no one can see.

It was abuse that killed my trust.
Coldly murdered to feed another's lust.

Living in fear that all will be stolen;
Fear is manifest in my spastic colon.
They'll take from me everything I've got
Along with everything I have not.
Without trust life is a raw deal,
Frayed nerves are hard to conceal,
Going round on this spinning wheel.
Makes it very difficult to heal,

How can you live not trusting a soul?
What is the patch that fills this hole?
Love is hell, it's quite unbearable.
If only my soul, my soul were repairable!
Love was meant to be something dear.
My love I can't trust, so I live in fear.
All my jealousy gives way to hate.
Living without trust this is my fate.

It was abuse that killed my trust.
Coldly murdered to feed another's lust.

All the time feeling screwed
One wrong word and I'm unglued
Do unto others before they do unto you.
This is my truth, what am I to do?
Fear is the word, managing my life,
Tortures me with endless strife.
Did my perp know my fate?
Would he care knowing my hate?

So I live in lonely isolation
Surrounded by my desolation
Crying, dying to get connected
Knowing beforehand I'll be rejected.
They look at me and wonder why.
How many times have I made them cry?
All they wanted was to give me love,
But without trust, I could only shove.

It was abuse that killed my trust.
Coldly murdered to feed another's lust.

In despair I ask, "What's the use?"
Can't tell anyone of my abuse
I can never let another near
Getting close, ignites up my fear.
I'm safely insulated in my tomb
Better to have never left the womb
Then to go through life devoid of trust
Like fine wrought iron covered with rust.

So I keep praying for the day
I'll let loose in some unconnected way
And while going hog-ass wild
I'll release my inner child.
Somewhere I will find what I must
To start a relationship built on trust.
And I'll never know unless I try.
I pray I will succeed before I die!

By Vinnie Nauheimer Copyright 2003, All rights reserved

 
 

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Support and resources for people who have experienced sexual abuse and/or sexual violence.